My Story isn't Finished

I woke up sad, at about 2am. My eyes were heavy, I was hot, I developed a cold out of no where and some creepy person was talking to me on my twitter in a very scary, "u don't approach someone you donno, that way", kinda way.

Then I woke up OFFICIALLY at 7:30am, after a bad dream but I said a prayer and well that was that...no more thinking of it.

As I started the day, I wondered to myself why I had been happy for so long now, is there nothing going on in my life to worry about? Weird, I know. People are looking for happy and here I am wondering where worry is.

I put my worries into prayers a while ago and also into fasting becuz it was getting out of hand and I guess God is finally answering that prayer....

Even though, I'm grateful that I don't worry so much anymore and most of my days are filled with joy now, I still felt the need to sit down and take account of all the things that usually should be bothering me right about now...

and wow...the list is looong...thank God, I'm not focusing on it and taking each day at a time, otherwise, I can see myself wailing daily..."Chineke me o, what am I going to do?"

I'm tempted to print the list for y'all to read but I just can't bring myself to, but, I'd give you a few...

First of all, so u have sort of a mental background picture...I'm alone here in a foreign land, no mummy, no daddy to run to as such. Plus my mum and dad try not to list their worries but I've seen and heard most of them, dumping my issues on them is just outright cruelty...in my opinion.

By the end of April, if I know what's good for me I had better find a new apartment or else, u might be waving to me under ur local bridge, lol God forbid. The whole apartment issue started with my two-timing landlord, but trust my roomie and I now, we played it cool, meanwhile we were slapping and punching his face in our heads.

My immigration status, has one more year left on it, till it expires, of which I should have found a full time job in my field of study by May 19th. It's March 18th. You say, u still have 2 months...uhm...I've been looking for 2 years...and still nothing, but my God is able. :D

I have to apply for grad school ay es ay pee, but the application fees are no joke, plus I need actually sit and write all the required essays, meanwhyl, I need to search for a job, look for an apartment, plan a project for March 31st, and still go to work all in the same time frame.

I need 52 hours a day, that's for sure.

Come mid-April, I need to start packing all my stuff so I'm ready to move out by the end of the month.

Yea, it doesn't sound so much eh?

but the thing is, there's still more unveiled and I'm the only one, I need help...well I have friends and all but they're super busy, I can't even ask, plus there's only so much they can do anyway...

At the end of all this "run-around and walk-about", I know I'd have a beautiful story to tell, it's not over. My story isn't finished

Mwaaah...

Got to run for the bus, right about nooowww

I need a car, :(

The car I want is $9000...the money would come along with my fees for school, $85,000.

#nowsinging...God is able to do, just what he says he would doo....

Getting Old

"Lemme give you a warning...never get old"

I've had a few old people tell me this and well of course we laugh about it 'cuz clearly, it's not my choice. With this kinda spongy heart I've got, I find myself almost crying for old people. It's a weird feeling, I feel they're at some disadvantage, esp. when they're forgetting stuff, unable to hear clearly, can't hold things well, they're hands are shaking, they're finding it hard to get up after trying so hard to sit...

it's a long list of things...

but...

what I've learnt from majority of them is that they all had these young years and now they're old, so they've had their chance. The big question is what am I doing with my chance before I am only able to move at a very slow pace?

I've met so many angry, grumpy old people...it's soo sad. It makes me feel even "more sorry", u're feeble and fragile, yet u're not convinced that at this point, u shud spend ur last days smiling?

The old happy couples, bring so much joy, it simply indescribable. They've lived many years and now they're spending their last days, appreciating all the things they possibly took for granted earlier on in life. To watch them laugh and smile at the simplest jokes or the mildest touch or even the next person's sincere smile is nothing but a blessing.

I don't want to grow up grumpy...yuck!!

A Letter To You

Dear loved one,

I wanted to drop a line or two before I leave. It's been a pleasure meeting you, hanging out with you an most of all loving you.

I remember when we went out to the diner and you ordered my meal, exactly as I would have liked it and exactly what I was in the mood for at that moment. I never told you, but butterflies were let loose at that moment. Oh, remember when we took a walk by the riverside, 3 years back and you whispered in my ears the words, "I think I just fell in love". I played dumb and carefree but I loved every minute of it. The walk, the weather, the talk, simply perfect. The day you introduced me to your mum and dad as, "the reason for you progress", you thought my blush was cute, you had absolutely no idea how many leaps of joy my heart did.

I have many more beautiful memories but to continue would be to exhaust the time I have left here. I received a report yesterday, as much as it breaks my heart to believe it, yet alone share it, I have no choice. Before I expose my defect, I want to ask one thing.

Please, please give God a chance. If you thought my love was real, you need to find my source, it's realer than real, it's renewing, its amazing and as there are no words sufficient enough to describe love, there are no words to describe how great He is. I hear that only the living can praise God and it doesn't even take common sense to agree that the dead can do absolutely nothing. While you still have time left in you life span, please let the same God that gave me a beautiful life, do the same for you. Let Him be your fountain, please let him overtake and overwhelm you. The greatest gift I can live with you is the gift of the God, his love.

I want to rest in peace, knowing that my heart, you are in love with my first love. I have a few days left according to my medical report before my liver completely fails. On the flip side God can turn this around, but if he feels my time is up, then it is up but do this one thing for me.

I love you.

I'm sorry that you would find this letter when I am probably gone because it takes 5 business days to get to you but forgive me, I didn't want to spend my last days watching you pity me. It is no secret that death would come. Sad to say mine came just a few years earlier.

xoxo

Your fiancee

Gratitude

"I, I, I....wwwaaannt tooo..." #theStammerer

That's a small disability we might think, but a stammerer wishes he could be more articulate

"Please could you read the signs to me?" #theBlind

"If you don't mind, please help me reach..." #theCrippled

Last week, I came down to earth a little and realized the many little things I ought to be grateful for. I met the age 50's who have been living with down syndrome for 50 sum'n years, the simply retarded who may have come to appreciate their life as the norm. The little girl who takes one step with every five steps a girl her age takes...

and there was me...

the 20 sum'n year old who can walk, can run, is articulate, is pretty much what one would label "normal" but how grateful was I?

My heart bleeds for those who are not as fortunate, who were not given a chance to choose their physical abilities.

If there was a call made before every birth to everyone..."Pick ye this day, deaf, dumb, blind, perfectly healthy..." would anyone in their right mind choose to have a disability? I think not!

and there I was God had shown me mercy, who am I and what makes me so special? how many times do I remember to be grateful for a thing such as 'capability'? how many? instead my current worries overwhelm me and I keep crying out, "why me?", with the full understanding that one day, it'll all be over...a storm doesn't last so long, the darker the night, the nearer the morning right? so it would all surely pass, besides worry steals away today and doesn't change tomorrow so it is wise to be grateful at whatever point we might be no matter how hard or discouraging....it's important not to let the "other things" get in the way of appreciating the truly dear things.

A message from the disabled:

"Oh what I would give to be just like you..."

why not be grateful for the things that I do have and understand that no matter how bad it get's someone has it worse than I do?

I figured I'd share this with you, that we may all realize how much we are truly to be grateful for. Ingratitude doesn't build, it steals and destroys...talk about a silent killer...#stageONEdepression

God Bless

#kisses

Early Morning Thots

It's Sunday morning and ideally I should be in bed to get enough sleep for church but I for some weird reason decided to abandon sleep fully aware of the potential effects my decision would have on me during the day.

Let's forget about split milk cuz that sleep ship has sailed and I have chosen to blog...yippee.

To those 6/7 bloggers who pretty much reminded me about the existence of this blog, thanks. I can see myself expressing myself here more often. The downside of this blog is that it enables me to express my weakness,struggles and afflictions openly, which may not always be a good idea. Don't get me wrong I share my feelings with people, but typing it out is like multi-sharing and reiterating painful facts. GOD forbid that the most of me truly is sad...(for a second there I focused on my faults and hurts, excuse that, I'm not a hurtful vessel)

So what did I spend my early, heavy eyed Sunday morning doing? you-tubing and I came across a few things I'd like to share.

We spend a whole lotta of our finite time worrying and wondering about the next point of action, crossing our fingers that our plans go well, fidgeting from the thought of things crumbling in our faces (because trust, we think everything that happens is by our own power...#delusional), channeling 50%+ of our energy towards unforgiveness, believing lies because we're too scared to face the truth and in all of this we forget that Christ is our lifeline, in Him we move, we breathe, we live, we love, we embrace, we progress. In Him, we are connected to the true source, the true vine, we are watered, we have peace, hope, faith. I've wondered the point of a life with no reason for tomorrow. A life where everything is done in hopeless repetition, one where an embrace of a false fact of a finite lifetime is routined with no purpose. A chosen life of denial. The bible talks about how the wisdom of man could destroy him and its amazing how true that is but on the flip side a man whose wisdom is objectively curious would create him. A man who finds out the facts because he wants to grow is a man worthy of admiration.

As I spent my early hours of 'daybreak'....lol(I've always hated that term) you-tubing, I came across this video, which I endorse 100%. We need to refocus our attention because in the end, a life with no God is really just an purpose less act. What's the point?



A lotta the time we look at the next person as either beneath us or above, forgetting that we are all flesh. No one is better than the next in my opinion. The Lord holds all our sins as outwright sin!. There's no sin that is better than the next or smaller than the next and we all sin. Even the greatest of the greatest, sin (If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. - 1 John 1:8)
, the difference is that some people are expected to behave better because they have received more (....For to whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required...Luke 12:48)

We walk up to the next person searching for answers. Imagine this there's a big ball in the middle and around it is everyone in the world, standing at different points, it is apparent that everyone would see something different or understand it a different way but in the end they would agree on it when they come around to look at it from the other person's angle. That's how I feel the word of God is. I'd probably see it as purple from where I stand just cuz of the reflection of the light and you'd see it as green from your angle but when I eventually come around to the central point to study it, I'd discover that it truly is orange. In short, discovering God for yourself pays more than hearsay or just plainly feeding off someone else cuz when it all boils out to the fact, we're all flesh!

We sin, we fall, we fail, we lie, we cheat, we're incompetent and no matter how many billions of times we try to handle life in our own way, by ourselves, it would all be to no avail. Truth be told, we suck at this human race! big time sucking!



In this race, its one man; one God. Not one church, one God. In the end, it'll be me being judged by my actions, not one group vs God. So we best do our best 100%, all day everyday. Its easier to err than to do the right thing #fact, but it pays to do right :D

I should prolly get to the shower...lol #churchtime
#exesandohs my darlyns...have a blessed, awesome week, day, etc

till I'm back...asta la vista...lol

...in the storm...

I'm at a standstill, running and yet still, still.

Life is full of a whole lotta hardship. Its not that I'm just discovering this, its just that each time I relive it, it hurts. I know the storm wouldn't last, my lifetime, but while I'm in the storm, it feels like it would never end.

I refuse to list the things that are on my mind, the things that seem to linger in my head for too long cuz each time I say it out loud, the reality hits me with worries. Truthfully, I'm in a full blown state of confusion, each turn is a question and each decision is doubt.

I know the LORD would see me through and I don't type it or speak it to convince myself, I'm fully convinced. Yea, yea no one said life would be easy but with God, we'd get through it all on our knees, with our faith and with our actions. He's delivered me, supported me, raised me countless times but the faithlessness in me, weirdly has the audacity to wonder if he'd do it again.

I feel awful!

but I'd be fine, I always end up being fine.

Enuff of my ramblings that say practically nothing, I just dropped by to say I'm in a storm that seems like it could totally be the end of me but repeatedly I remember, I don't fight my battles, I never have, I never will, Jehovah Nissi always has, and always will!

Imma get back to y'all and dump my testimony cuz before a harvest, a breakthrough or deliverance is a trial, a test and temptation.

He dares to plaster a legitimately genuine smile on my face, while masking my pain and iniquity, but I'm not mad @ that, infact, I'm glad!

Pushed by an Uplift -- I got a jooooob!

God is twenty much.
After so long, all the hustling and bustling. He did it at his appointed time. Its been exactly one year, one month and one day since I graduated from University. Imagine that.

U know how they say in the bible that he makes all things beautiful in His own time. Being that I just got the job, there's definitely better things to come. He who has started this good work would be faithful to complete it.

Only yesterday, I cleared my account with a purchase of potatoes. This was the last of the $500 I was just blessed with last week. Not that I ate the money but one has gotta remove tithes, then pay rent. Leaving me with about $50, which I had to mise(sp?) Things get soo tough before they get better. In this past year, there is so much I appreciate now that I wouldn't have appreciated then. It was a period of growth, enlightenment, lessons, so much.

Now, I did not just get any job, I got a job at a bank. Not just any bank but the 3rd best bank in Canada, the best bank in customer service, 4 years in a row. The bank is in my city, so I don't have to move. It is located at my 2nd best place (the mall). C ehn, I no fit shout. All morning I've been on the phone, receiving calls, texts, prayers, congrats, blue tooth hugs, bb hugs etc. He has surrounded me with people who rejoice in success, who have prayed with me and for me. The Lord has kept me here that I do not have to stop performing in the music group, I'm still a part of this church that has empowered me and enabled my growth in Christ. There's just too much to be thankful for. Yours is coming. That breakthrough, that moment of deliverance, abundant joy. Its just around the corner. When it comes, all ur hardship would seem so little.

If I didn't go through this trial period, I doubt I would be this thankful. I wouldn't have understood.

I'm going to go now but I would be back, when I'm not too over whelmed to type. I have stories to tell.

#stayblessed.
Luv
H